Victim Zero:

Alex Duff

Age: 
26
Sex: 
Male
Occupation: 
Founder, Chief Engineerin’ It Officer of DuffCo
Status: 
DECEASED
Bio:

From an early age to his untimely death, Duff’s life was as series of colossal accidents. Whether you look to his robotic teddy bears or his self-battening hatches, each of his inventions was the result of a failed calculation or misplaced digit. His first million was earned after he caught military attention when one of the aforementioned robo-teddies malfunctioned and took several members of a local book club hostage in a gazebo. Though his death was a violent one, nobody was surprised to learn that Duff’s life came to an end in the way everything else came to him—Accidentally.

Garden State Cynic:

Fred “Wiki” Brittanica

Age: 
26
Sex: 
Male
Occupation: 
Text responder for SMS question service
Status: 
Alive and checking your facts
Bio:

From the beginning, Fred wasn’t buying it. When his little sister came home from the hospital he gave the cutest “WTF?” look and since then it's been all doubt—except of course when it comes to Jersey Pride, which can never be wrong. Known as “Wiki” to his friends and detractors alike because of his encyclopedic knowledge of things that will prove you wrong, he never misses an opportunity to embarrass you in front of your family, girlfriend, or (most poignantly) your boss during promotion discussions. With his trusty phone hooked into the length and breadth of human knowledge, being a dick is just one “Wiki” search away.

Necropornophiliac:

ZomTom

Age: 
25
Sex: 
Male
Occupation: 
Heavy Metal drummer and part-time zombie porn star
Status: 
Waiting for Z-Day
Bio:

ZomTom is a man of two loves: making noise and zombies. After being expelled from his highschool for leaving a zombified dildo in his teacher’s coffee cup, ZomTom knew he’d have to carve out his own niche if he wanted to survive the world of the living. As soon as he could, he left home and started roaming the country, banging on trash cans and window panes and annoying your parents with his would-be heavy metal sound. His work there inspired him to start a band, and now ZomTom and the Shitbuckets are the fifth best zombie metal band the world has ever seen. Despite his rise to fame, he still finds time to gross everyone out by sneaking his zombie porn collection into any DVD player he can find—but some would say that’s still better than the Shitbuckets’ latest single, “Your Brains Taste Like Balls.”

Queen of the Hut:

Erica “Awesome” Niyomi

Age: 
25
Sex: 
Female
Occupation: 
Manager at the Transistor Hut
Status: 
"luuuuv u"
Bio:

Are you down? Are you feeling sad today? Don’t fret, call up “Awesome” Niyomi and she will be sure to put a smile on your face, mainly by reminding you how awesome she is. You might be ok, too. But she is awesome and don’t you damn forget it. Always smiling. Always excited. Always modest. Niyomi is a walking, talking (loudly) “happy place.” Lost your job? She’s still awesome. Got dumped? Still awesome. Facing 10–20 for manslaughter? You guessed it, still awesome.

Awesome.